Day 90 - My Relationship Is Broken

 

And I don't understand why!

It can feel like a noose around the neck getting tighter and tighter, and if it is slow enough, we don't even realise that it is happening. 

That is, until the hanged man comes to our door and drops the bomb on us.

Carving a relationship to death, whittling it away with barbs of frustration, and poking holes into it to gauge out the things that don't satisfy us, happens. It happens all the time but the trick is to realise that this is the unchangeable aspect of relationships . . . it was not meant to be forever. Nothing about a relationship is 'meant to be' forever - as a concept or an ideal - and the fact that we eventually drop our physical bodies is a testimony to that. 

Bodies love each other

Emotions tease each other

Minds and thoughts play with each other

Souls learn from each other

And then what?

So why do we have this ideal of 'happily ever after?' We are taught that it is the mark of a great relationship and that love must exist if it is extended over years, but there are millions of miserable couples who have been in a relationship for decades. They are bound together by threads of many colours . . . obligations, children, jobs, debt, mortgage, guilt, family, religion, beliefs, pets, houses . . . and the list endures further than the love it once held. 

Longevity and endurance do not necessarily signify a space where love lives!

When we come back to ourselves and face the obvious . . . that it is broken and love has flown the coup . . . we face the eternal question of what went wrong, what did we do to break it, and the downward spiral of blame and division begins.

The idea of a relationship breaking is where I am going to present a challenge. If it is able to break, then it had a flaw to begin with - this is something we never like to consider when romance and true love sweep us off our feet. We are so giddy with the chemicals flowing through our veins, that we don't notice the tiniest of inconsistencies and weaknesses, that may later present the problems that cannot be overcome. Every human being has a light side and a shadow side, and we present our light side to each new person in hopes that it outweighs our shadow side . . . the ugly within. Each person's 'ugly' is unique and stems from childhood, magnifies during adolescence and matures throughout adulthood, but it is something that has to be shared when a relationship begins. 

Using an economic model, it is as if a relationship is started with an accruance of debt right at the beginning - emotional, physical and mental debt. A subconscious account that is tucked away for a rainy day, or a moment when we can no longer keep it hidden in our secret vault. Maybe its our scars, our history, or our deviant emotional insecurities, but they cannot be contained forever. 

Our family and friends often see what we don't see or don't want to hear, and for fear of losing us . . . they go along with the lie hoping that it will all work out one day. It is that 'happily ever after' that gets us! 

The grand promise!

'I will look after you if you love me and keep me safe. Bind yourself to me so that we can be a success and appear happy to the whole world.'

And then the accumulation of material things begins, as well as the fortunate who can gather children and pets. Don't frown! When you divorce, you fight over custody and ownership of the children and pets as if they are things to be kept! And all along the hidden debt percolates beneath the surface, the neediness, narcissicm, jealousy, envy, laziness, manipulation, rage and spite, eroding away the love and light that once fired up for a short while.

The hidden gambler, secret addict, underlying betrayer or the iconic 'greener pastures' fool . . . remaining in the shadows until they want to come out to play - and the bubble bursts.

Happily ever after becomes 'what on earth happened and where did I go wrong?' 

Here is where we get to the crux of the matter . . . it was flawed to begin with. It was not flawed because anything outwardly appeared, it was what was not spoken, what was not revealed and what was not brought into the light. The whole human being is what we have a relationship with, whether we realise it or not, and the ones that have never resolved their parental issues, their placement in the family issues, their birthed or adopted issues, their 'what was done to them' issues, their low self esteem and lack of self love issues, are a part of the package that is rarely revealed. 

And you wondered why I stated that if it is broken, then it was flawed to begin with, but you are beginning to understand the mechanics behind the breaking down of any relationship. You may want to self-flagellate and take on the responsibility of your relationship break, but you have to consider the deeper layers. 

You are not responsible for their shadows! 

You cannot fix their shadows nor excuse them!

In all cases, you are flat out mending your own shadow self!

We have this inherent attraction that draws someone else's flaws to our own. Somehow, if we can match our flaws, addictions and lacks - we are well suited! On the surface, we are drawn to another like two lights, but our shadows are drawn to each other too. These intrusive layers don't want to be kept in the dark forever - they want to come out into the light and play in our world - with us. 

We often do not know that an abuser lurks within, or a control freak, a miser or a fool.

But the person that we are in a relationsip with has no idea that these aspects exist within us either . . . and given a choice . . . may never have been so eagre to bind themselves to us had they known. 

Maturing changes our motives . . . our reasons, and the meaning that we give to everything that has value in our lives. If we are with someone who refuses to mature, our reasons and the meaning that we give to our committments, cannot align and the cracks appear. The physical connection matures and the importance of the sexual body shifts, the emotional connection becomes greater, and a new meaning is given. Where once upon a time, we had a list of reasons for being together (and the list is endless as well as personal), we then moved into being together because of the memories we shared. Especially those that included children, they are those magnetic memories and the sharing of each other's families who become like our own, compel us to stay together. 

But our shadows play havoc even with those memories and reasons.

But don't despair, there is another play for the happily ever after - one that defies the shadows - and it takes work and maturity to hone into a finely tuned instrument! 

It is the resource that can come out right in the beginning of the relationship, even when the shadows were hidden and the flaws have not surfaced. It is choice. Conscious choice is supported by honesty, transparency, a love capable of deepening and maturing, acceptance of change, and the ability to shift the meaning that is given to the valuable aspects of the relationship. It walks side by side with longevity and understanding. This kind of choice also gives us the courage to get out when the first shadow surfaces, instead of enduring the journey ahead, like so many hopeful and guilt-ridden do. 

They can leave our relationship and seek greener pastures, but they take their stench with them . . . their deep subconscious shadows . . . and even though they find another new body to play with, one with different emotions, habits, addictions, issues and mind, it is not long before those shadows once again come out to play. But in the meantime each relationship we can experience reveals our own shadows, and it is these that we seek to mend or dissolve, so that should we once again have the courage to dive into the layers that a relationship is comprised of . . . we can do so knowing that we will be capable of choosing to water our own pasture for a long long time indeed!

You are not responsible for someone else's shadows.

But with conscious choice, both your and their willingness, and love . . . happily ever after is possible.

[Photo by Pixabay: https://www.pexels.com/photo/brown-rope-tangled-and-formed-into-heart-shape-on-brown-wooden-rail-113737/]